


John and Dave Write a Bad Smut Scene

by TheMockingCrows



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse of Euphamisms, Comedy, M/M, Parody, badfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 16:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/676426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMockingCrows/pseuds/TheMockingCrows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave decides to help John write a smut scene for a badfic, to see just how meta they can get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John and Dave Write a Bad Smut Scene

**The sex was fantastic. He’d grabbed her hips and drew her back onto his erection, thrusting deep and fast as she moaned her need.**

“Nah. Needs more dick.”

“Dave, there’s a huge dick going into a vagina right now, I’m pretty sure that’s plenty of dick.”

“John, you’re missing the point, this entire fic is a fucking do over. That’s not how you badfic. Let a master guide you my man. Let’s try again.“

**She**

“Rewrite.”

“WHAT? It’s the first word, Dave!”

“I know, and it’s wrong.”

“Dave, I’m not writing a gay fic, holy shit. No. Not cool.”

“You’re missing out on the easiest fic to badfic then.”

“What, het fic can’t be badfic?”

“Oh, it can, but Fifty Shades of Grey has the market cornered. Time to get on the rainbow wagon.”

“Ugh.. Fine, fine. Let me see..  How about..”

**The man pulled out his dick**

“Ahem.”

“He pulled out his dick, what did I do wrong now oh Cock Sensei?”

**The man pulled out his purple headed yogurt slinger**

“Oh. My. God.”

“Gorgeous, isn’t it. C’mon, Eggs, shake a leg. We’re on a roll now.”

**The man pulled out his purple headed yogurt slinger and eyed the other man’s ass**

“Executive decision.”

**The man pulled out his purple headed yogurt slinger and eyed the other man’s chocolate hotdog highway lustily, grin twitching at his lips. He was going to fuck him good and hard, and he was going to like it better than the greasy pizza he’d had that afternoon for lunch. Piece of ass before piece of pizza, except when it’s already occurred.**

“You’re a dick, Dave, this is fucking dreadful.”

“I prefer the term pulsing hot scepter of fuck, thanks. But that’s kind of the point. Carry on to the new paragraph.”

**When he penetrated, it was like a song, thrilling and sensual.**

“Are you sure you’re not a homo Egbert, because that was probably the only thing I’ve read that’s made me feel straight by comparison.”

“UGH. FINE. Let me just try to..”

**When he sank his foot long pulsing man meat into the other man’s fudge factory he moaned loudly, and his inner prostidude did backflips. Finally, it was happening.**

“Ooh, nice choice, Eggs, nice choice.”

“Thank you. Now can you let me just write?”

“Pissy much? Don’t forget to leave out any mention of lube.”

**When he sank his foot long pulsing man meat into the other man’s fudge factory he moaned loudly, and his inner prostidude did backflips. Finally, it was happening. He was going to have the full sex. This was realized belatedly, considering he was already tapping that sweet ass, but still.**

“Faltering feeling, no immersion and dreadful wording. I love it. Be sure to use ‘down there’ at least once, and to never refer to either of them by name. Grammar is your two dollar whore in this craft, don’t forget that.”

“I think I’m starting to get it, Dave.”

**The other man, the man being penetrated, squirmed and thrashed. He mewled**

“Oh, god, that even hurt me a little.”

“It’ll be okay, Dave. Do you need a hug?”

**The other man, the man being penetrated, squirmed and thrashed. He mewled and begged for him to hurry and have his way, to make him his bitch.**

“Bit late for that from this point of view.”

“Pffft, shut up and let me work.”

**The other man, the man being penetrated, squirmed and thrashed. He mewled and begged for him to hurry and have his way, to make him his bitch. As his puckered love cave was plundered by his throbbing pork sword, he said “Fuck me harder!” he said.**

“Nice touch putting it there twice. Word would never catch it.”

“Glorious time we live in, huh.”

**Fuck him harder he did with long strokes and bouncing balls. They slapped at the other’s repeatedly and made a slapping sound, echoing around the room. The other man mewled**

“Which other man, the man fucking or the man getting fucked?”

“Actually, I don’t really know. All I know is that balls are in contact, and it’s apparently loud and excellent.”

“Fair enough. Carry on.”

**Fuck him harder he did with long strokes and bouncing balls. They slapped at the other’s repeatedly and made a slapping sound, echoing around the room. The other man mewled and stretched and arched as he was penetrated, rocking wildly. It was amazing, the best sex ever, surely he was a pro. If only he knew  that he was a complete and utter virgin who happened to be gifted with the sex powers of a major deity.**

“Yeah, nature sure is cruel like that.”

“Were you like that, Dave?”

“What?”

“You know, your first time. Were you one of those people who can fake that they know what they’re doing, or were you an awkward virgin who didn’t try to pretend?”

“…..Keep writing and shut up, Egbert.”

“No fucking way..”

“John.”

“Dave, you’re a-“

“John, if you don’t keep typing this story, I will piss on your bed.”

“Ugh! Fine, fine, I’m writing! It’s time for the big come scene too.”

“Ooooh, goodie goodie. Be sure to only say cum though, it’s tween and really stupid.”

“Straight out of the letter section, got it.”

**After an hour**

“Holy mother of Christ, an hour?”

“Yup.”

“You’re a demon.”

“The guy has a dick the length of my forearm, and you’re only calling me out on the hour?”

“That’s pretty average from the Bad Dragon size chart.”

“…..Wow.”

“I know, right? I’ll hook you up with a coupon sometime, John.”

“Okay, alright, changing the subject now thanks.”

**After an hour of the super hot sex, the man was ready to finally come.**

“Ahem.”

“Oops. Hold up.”

**After an hour of the super hot sex, the man was ready to finally cum. He told the other man “I**

“Dave, how do I dialogue bad.”

“Here, let a master work for a second.”

**After an hour of the super hot sex, the man was ready to finally cum. He told the other man “I am going to splatter your plush rump with baby batter, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”**

“Poetry. Sheer poetry. Hah! This is actually pretty fun.”

“Glad to see you finally see the allure of it all, Eggs.”

**“Oh please!” begged the man. “Please, cover me in your ectoplasm!”**

“EDIT.”

“No!”

“It’s a no go, John, fix it. Just trust me. It’s not like he’s fucking Casper, just change it.”

**“Oh please!” begged the man. “Please, cover me in your man seed!” It was his favorite part and he could never get enough. The other man was happy to oblige, humping at him a little longer before pulling out from between his cheeks to shoot his special sauce all over his ass and lower back.**

**He’d finally done it. He’d had the full sex.**

“I think we’ve got a real winner here, Dave. I’ve got a feeling.”

“Part thirteen year old girl’s hidden notebook under her bed, part published best selling novelist. It’s glorious.”

“Okay, you said you were going to help with the finishing touch, right?”

“Yep. Just step back and watch a master work.”

**The man poled out hs prpl heded yogrt slinger and eyed the other man’ss chokolate hotdog hiway lustily, grin twiching at his lips. He was going 2 fuck him good and hard, and he was going 2 like it better than the greazy pizza he had that afternoon 4 lunch. Piece of ass before piece of pizza, except when it’s already occurred.**

**When he sank his fot long pulsing man meat into the other man’s fudge faktry he moned loudly, and his inner prostidude did backflips. Finally, it was hapening. He was going to have the full sex. This was realized be late tedly, considring he was alredy tapeing that sweet ass, but still.**

**The other man, the man being penetrated, squirmed and trashed. He mewled and begged for him to hurry and have his way, to make him his bitch. As his pukered love cave was plundrd by his throbbbing prk sword, he said “Fuck me harder!” he said.**

**Fuck him harder he did with long strokes and bouncing balls. They slapped at the other’s repeatdly and made a slapping sound, echoing around teh room. The other man mewled and stretched and arched as he was penetrated, roking wildly. It was amazing, the best sex ever, surely he was a pro. If only he knew that he was a totes and udder virgin who hapenned to be gift with the sex powers of a major diatty(lol idk sp but it means god).**

**“Oh please!” begged the man. “Please, cover me in your hot white seed!” It was his favorte part and he could never get enough. The other man was happy to give it, hummping at him a liddle loner be4 pulling out from between his cheeks 2 shoot his speshul sauce all ovr his ass and lower bak.**

**He fnly done it. He had the full sex.**

“Dave, that hurt me to read.”

“It hurt me to write.”

“…….”

“…….”

“It’s ready for the internet.”

“But is the internet ready for it?”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr link- http://themockingcrows.tumblr.com/post/42634952736/john-and-dave-write-a-bad-smut-scene


End file.
